Cleaning

Locks and keys without their match

The beautiful love letters written to the wrong person

Insects

Half-used notebooks, notebooks barely used; unread books, books that will never be read

Rain

I am very messy now.

This will never end.

‘Cats’: On screen, on stage, in Manila

That a cat is not a dog* is not the moral of the musical, Cats. It has no moral, neither does it have a compelling, let alone cohesive plot. Why then has it been running for almost thirty years in different countries and, just recently, found its way in Manila? Because it’s clear about its intention and executes it very well: dazzle.

I bought the Cats DVD in 2008 knowing nothing about it except that it was one of the longest-running musicals on Broadway and in the West End. And this is what I learned after watching: It was T.S. Eliot’s already lilting verses in Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats set to sublime music and exhilarating choreography. A treat to lovers of song, dance and well, cats, it became my bedtime musical for around three months. Doubtful that it’ll ever be staged here in the Philippines, I vowed to see it live when I go abroad. So when news came out that it’ll be staged in Manila by a team that involves The Really Useful Group (the outfit behind the original London production), I bought tickets as soon as they were available.

I watched the show twice in its Manila run last August; first on August 3 (in its second week) and then on August 29 (the last performance). When people would ask, “Is it good?” —or upon learning I saw it twice, “Is it that good?”, I would give a very calculated response, knowing how friends and colleagues, while at one point are interested in theater, may be too busy or too short of cash to go out of their way to watch a musical extravaganza. If I said, “Go watch it”, the thing must be worth their nonreturnable time and money. Otherwise, I could give them the option to borrow my DVD.

The Cats crew already flew from the Philippines to Taiwan for their next round of performances. This roundup will come belatedly to Filipino patrons who saw Cats for the first time, but to fellows who wish to watch it soon but are unsure of what to expect, allow me to share my response to the question, “Is it good?”.

Read the rest on Interlineal.net

Breakfast

is my favorite meal of the day.

Because I love mornings and I love eating and

*

Dawn and dusk are times for thinking and clearing the mind of thought. Sometimes I feel like I can solve the world's problems while seeing the sky goldened by the sun. (Sometimes I want my mind shut tight by night.)

*

When it's a good day,

Cafe Mary Grace

*

Reading the newspaper won't drag the day down. So there is tragedy in your country, so there are opinions you disagree with—dawn lends a clarity and calmness in reading through the news. I am reminded that where there are problems, there are possibilities. And you toy with the possibilities of the day: Whom will I bump into? What passage in the book will agitate me? Will someone call to tell me what I've always longed to hear? Where do I go next? What will I do differently?

*

Because the two-hour meal gives me the chance to delve into the pleasures of food and a dialogue with my self; of mapping out the day and recollecting last night's dreams; the pleasure of witnessing the sunrays rend the overcast.

The difficulty in How are you?

1. You are to report on the asker's expectations of you.
2. You have higher standards for yourself, you cannot simply be okay and fine.
3. You take the question seriously, because you take the asker seriously.

Other than the problem of being true to yourself, there is the anxiety about not knowing who you are. But there is still this one: changing.

The best of friends are those who, without a word, tell you that it is okay to be happy doing what they did not think you would do, and that your worst self is their friend, too.

On growing old

The newest member of our department is 21 years old. I'll turn 27 next month. What makes me feel old is the fact that I have yet to accomplish what I vowed to do before my silver anniversary. I'm two years late for my targets.

Maybe it is a common feeling among those in their 20s. There is not a need, but a burden to conquer, if not save the world.

Actress Irma Adlawan says good breaks and recognition only came to her now (now that she's in her 40s). It makes me not afraid to get older. In fact I'm never afraid of it, I'm indifferent to it. Until I met someone who's 21 years old and realized there is always something better out there.

But I have to name it.

When friends in my age group tell me about not knowing what they want, or worry about the direction their life is heading to, I think surely it must be okay to not know, for only then will you be permitted the freedom to try out any thing without risking anything. The lost discovers the wild and wonderful, finds a fellow traveller. That's what youth is for, I half-believe. I have that at the back of my mind but at the same time do my best to figure out what I want twice as fast and steer my ship in that direction.

Now is exciting. Tomorrow—I know I can look forward to that calmness and wisdom I see in people in their 50s, in their real prime. For inspiration, I turn to people like Irma Adlawan and remember these words from writer Dana Goia:

Poets serious about making careers in institutions understand that the criteria for success are primarily quantivative. They must publish as much as possible as quickly as possible. The slow maturation of genuine creativity looks like laziness to a committee. Wallace Stevens was forty-three when his first book appeared. Robert Frost was thirty-nine. Today these sluggards would be unemployable.

The ideal lover: the denominator?

Seeing through you and with what he sees acts around and treats you accordingly.

A passion to build, but a passion tempered by discipline, intelligence and practical wisdom.

Ideal date

It was my idea. I haven't seen an opera before and I really wanted to wear a gown.

It was unbelievably boring. Poor Dennis, but poorer me for feeling boredom and guilt for three hours.

Caught up with familiar faces after the show. The night kept getting worse. The fake talk and laughter lasted until two in the morning. They wouldn't let go of us. We were naturally charming.

The drive home was quiet, but inside I felt robbed of a good time with Den. And really, I was hungry.

'Let's stop over the gas station.' Without question he turned the car and parked in front of the convenience store. He was drained of wit, acting by command. Poor Dennis.

I grabbed a hotdog sandwich, potato chips and coffee. Dennis took two hotdog sandwiches and two bags of potato chips. After putting his food on our table, he walked away, then came back holding with both hands the biggest glass of iced tea I had seen in my life.

I'm sorry, I said. He laughed then shook his head. (I love it when I make men laugh.) We talked—not about ourselves—not about the opera for sure. We rambled about TV shows we've seen, movies, senators, codes of conduct, ways of preparing a hotdog sandwich.

The drive from the gas station to my home was peaceful.

I sat on the bed and for the last time told him I'm sorry.

'I kept looking at your cleavage during the show. All I could think of was biting those breasts.' I laughed then shook my head. He came near me then kissed my chest, but went no further. We were too tired.

The thing itself

What I love most about vacations is the travel time. 2009 opens with a visit to Corregidor and closes with a sojourn to Ilocos. In between, swimming lessons, piano recitals, LASIK surgery and Philippine tragedies. Still in between, a challenge to be more critical and an encouragement to be more hopeful. And always, there are the people who make things worth it, if not interesting.

I am excellent at fantasizing and I am also a lover of planning. It is both arrogant and self-defeating for me to say that if I can make it happen in my head, it will happen—because I can set practical goals but I tend to be lazy. It is a year of plans gone well. It is me testing my discipline. Which is to say I risk little. Mine is the most careful adventure.

Which is to say all I am doing seems to be a preparation for something. The swimming lessons for my triathlon dreams, the piano recitals for the promised performances to loved ones, the LASIK surgery for—being comfortable during the triathlon and looking good on my promised performances. While some may say I forget about the present, I say I enjoy things twice, now and in the thought of how it will affect the future. But I must concede that I bother more with what's to come.

How many blues can one morning give us?

Somehow I manage to stop looking for respites. There is work but there is good in work. There is lost sleep but there is thought to replace sleep. I need the same attitude when it comes to vacations and kill the idea of opportunity cost. Let that be my first step in taking risks: divest the moment of cause and effect; let my self and the world be.

I love the long travel going to Ilocos as I longingly imagine how it will be once there. I love the long travel back to Manila as I urgently process what has been. The anticipation of being there and the relief of being home. Playing with the waves of Pagudpud, I think of how I will relate the strength of the water to my brother; how to word the morning I cannot let go of but mindlessly went.

On not having a child

1. I am not capable of unconditional love.
2. A child is a hindrance to the pleasures I currently and wish to continually enjoy.
3. Sure life has its moments of brilliance, ecstasy and meaningfulness. Against extensive mediocrity, struggle and misunderstandings. Is the bargain worth it? Would I be truly giving the gift of life to a child? If I were an alien and was given the opportunity to live life on earth as a human, I would likely say pass.
4. I may be capable of an enduring love. But I don't trust I could behave with such love with more than three persons. I worry too much and feel pain too much. I might not love wisely and sanely.

A literal weather

After dinner at Tokyo Tokyo, People Support, we crossed the street going to RCBC, 30 minutes early for Master Class, so we'd still have time to freshen up and look at the playbill and other stuff they sell.

Ava mentioned good thing it wasn't raining, we had no umbrella. I said I wasn't worried, I knew the weather. Trend is, at the start of the week, there's heavy rain, then by Wednesday it'll subside, be gone by Thursday then completely go away on Friday till the weekend. That's how it's been for the past couple of months.

She was amused by the knowledge, or that I bothered to observe. I have no choice, I have always been a commuter. I prepare more for the transportation than anything else in my daily routine: the intense heat or rain, the most comfortable pair of shoes to wear that matches the mediocrity that is my outfit, the reckless drivers, the lack of over and underpasses, and the memory of many near-traffic-accidents I've had.

Career fear

There is nothing more frustrating than a good concept gone bad. There is no worse failure than a rich idea half-realized.

A couple of officemates raved about 'Stranger than Fiction'. One of them was eager enough to lend me her DVD of the film.

I started to smile when Harold Crick started to hear the voice of Karen Eiffel. I was thrilled when, after getting no help from a psychologist, Harold sought the expertise of a Literature professor. I was ecstatic when Karen's phone rang as she typed that the phone would ring.

All the buildup was for nothing. The ride took me nowhere. In me was one big sayang.

(My) Friendship rules

1. Be punctual. Commitment is requisite. Once you've set an appointment with me, don't crush my heart by cancelling it at the last minute (or the last two hours) for another appointment set by your other friend.

When we are to watch a show—especially a play, never dare ask, 'Is it gonna start on time?' It is supposed to start on time. We may be in the Philippines, but you will not make things any better by tolerating that habit.

2. Linger. I spend five out of seven days a week and twelve out of twenty-four hours a day doing soulless difficult things to earn a living. I look forward to conversing with you and therefore you cannot leave at five thirty in the afternoon. Not in the afternoon. Not at five thirty.

Acts of intimacy

1. Playing a song for someone
2. Letting them read your earliest drafts of poetry
3. Sharing breakfast
4. Lending your book and not claiming it back

Sexy 2

Extreme selfishness for books.

Difficulties like friendship

It starts, because you two have something in common. Say a dish, or a philosophy on eating a dish. Maybe you both like girls. Or boys and girls. Or you both care about none of those love and sex stuff. A passion for syntax, torn between lauding and crucifying your boss. You like each other until. Until one gets out of the common ground. Say one found the right love and sex stuff. Shown improved skills in syntax. Became at peace with your boss, liked a dish you barely understood.

You remain friends, because some things remain: proximity to each other and there is fondness still.

Sexy 1

The kindness that wasn't expected of you.

Which is farthest from the fact

Sad certainties like this inevitable fact: That in the future, there will be several instances wherein my ego will be hurt.

You deal with a most horrendous tragedy and you think yourself immune from later bruises.

Lesson no. 63917 in life

Do not delete an acquaintance's number and if by any means it was removed from your phone book, retrieve immediately. This acquaintance might seek you in the future and need your company; while you, clueless of the name behind the number will ask: Who u? And the bond that might have been will remain a might-have-been and a might-have-been forever.

Friends,

Let us stay away from each other's works, literary or otherwise.

Let us shy away from intelligent discernment of one another's choices of lovers.

Do not and I will not comment on matters of family, yours and mine.

Let our conversations remain on the level of ideas and the ideals.

Let us always be sensitive of each others' insecurities.

Let us be the best of friends and give our best lies of each other when we need them the most.

Cheers to the new year! It may be just one more to the many or few years we have, but it is what we have now.

Do I believe in God?

Sometimes. Sometimes I fall in love and find it as real as the umbrella I'm holding against the rain. Sometimes all that for me is perfected chimera.