there is freedom.
Both my Senior High teaching career and volunteer work as church choir accompanist have started this year. Since February, the weeks are being filled with live performances: in front of teenagers and parishioners.
During a speech delivery task, one of the students told me -- in what I believe as a solicitation of comfort -- "I'm scared." To which I replied, "Me, too." And that was no sweet attempt to assuage her. That was the truth.
I am scared of saying the wrong thing, of behaving inappropriately in class. I care about what these kids think of me and how they will remember me. I am scared of making mistakes, even if I preach that the classroom is the very space to make them.
My students think that I am an extrovert, but it feels good to explain to them that I love my job and perhaps I am good at it because of the controlled environment. I know the people I am dealing with. I have a plan.
Now what happens when your fears come true?
No answer on my end regarding unplanned pregnancies, losing a limb, and leaked sex videos. *Vigorously knocking on wood*
As for messing up on the piano at a beautiful Sunday service, here's an answer.
You might think that I'll be referring to a wrong note, or a bad chord. No, when I make musical mistakes, I make it big. That specific Sunday, I wanted to try a different baseline to a song we've been performing for a long time. But then I second-guessed myself. My fingers fumbled and massacred an entire section, or what felt like an entire page of music.
What happened after was not what I expected. The choir head just gave me an amused look. Like, WTF was that? Then the choir behind me simply went on with their business. No fuss. No one cared.
The next Sunday I was back at playing. I wasn't kicked out. My choir mates haven't lost their trust in me. The good news is neither did I lose trust in myself.
Teacher mode on. Moral of the story, our worst nighmares coming true could either discourage us or push us to do better. There's an alternative that I like, though. Our worst nightmares coming true can liberate us when we come out of it alive. The public piano disaster gave me permission to take all the risk I need in pursuit of creativity.