Stressed over stitching

Anello Cross Bottle Backpack. Photo taken during time of writing.

Say hi to my new work backpack, a gift from my man. This school year comes with a new curriculum and I am entrusted with more subjects. To hype myself up, I gather shiny armors and tools: new clothes, shoes, router, laptop and whatnot.

So of course I'm very happy because I get to save on a big expense (hugs and kisses to John); but me being me, I get too OC on the littlest things. In this case, it's a common culprit: the stitching.

Wallets, bags, shoes, clothes — why can't their stiches be what they're meant to be? Perfect. When I see waywayd, overlapping stitches on an otherwise straight line of thread, my mind hurts. The main reason is aesthetics. I repel and am apalled by a lack of balance and harmony. Though I later on counter this thought with, But your own body is full of imperfections! Your missing molars, the skin tags and scars. For some reason I have a different stardand for objects.

Eventually I would relax and let time do its job. Me forgetting what I was worrying about, and my former mint yet flawed purchase now a thing that's worn and torn.

Aside from appearance, these bad stitches, frayed seams, and loose threads make me think of destruction. That the cloth will break soon. My favorite every-day crossbody bag actually have a stitch that started to come off, which I noticed the moment I took it out of its package. I DIYed it several ways, burning the ends was one of them.

Renegade thread. Inside view.

Renegade thread. Outside view.

Off Toco Tote Bag. Photo taken in June 2024.

This bag turned two last month and, that unstitched portion notwithstanding, it's going stronger that ever. I even washed it a couple of times. Now I get to enjoy this bag's bagness. Bow.

"The future is where worry does most of its work because the future offers no resistance to imagination" (Stoic Reset, 2026). I've thought of scenarios where that tiny loose thread in my backpack will be pulled further, further ruining aesthetic and failing to secure whatever it needs to secure. Logically, I know that my fears are illogical. The solution, I will once again let time work its magic, give me student- and academic-drama that will keep my mind productively busy.

Transit

9:26 PM. Just finished my last syllabus assignment (out of three). And my to-do list has been barely ticked, because the deadline was two days ago. But I won't die by being late. In fact I'm the first to submit, and the other teachers haven't turned in theirs yet.

My boyfriend, John, just left the cafe, now in his own night shift. He bought me my meal, we talked a bit about how our days went.

So this is what settling in feels like. It's being comfortable enough to face transitions. I have to study this new DepEd Curriculum, John has to juggle his freelance and full-time gigs, and we are continuously discovering how we fit into each other's lives.

I don't want to go home yet. And I can do that. I AM doing that! Enjoying the peace, the background noise of baristas maintaining their barista tools. The house music. The aircon hum, my own key-tapping.

And then it fucking rains.

I would've added raindrops to the list of lovely sounds, but it's almost ten and the cafe is closing soon and I will have to go home. Wait, am I complaining? The cheapskate in me is, because surely I will take a Grab car to get home safely and dryly.

9:51 PM. Bless my trip.

Text before calling

The sound of my phone ringing makes me panic, especially when I am at home, because I am jealous of my time and require so much energy when engaging with the world. Tremendous mental power is consumed for me to get and stay in the zone, and rest is imperative between tasks.

So I become rightfully engraged when my peace is ruined by triviality: a knock on the door, for example, or a phone call. The good thing is I live in a townhouse where it is rare to receive knocks and, when it happens, it is already an expected welcome event (my niece delivering pasalubong from their family's most recent outing).

An unannounced phone call, on the other hand, is an emergency in my vocabulary. You are calling because an urgent response is crucial. Thus my anxiety. What could be wrong at this moment?

So I become rightfully engraged when someone suddenly calls for reasons less important than life-and-death: to yap, to sell, to send emailable information. I say, How dare you decide that I will spare time for you; that I will drop everything to answer, actively listen, and manage emotions? No, ask persmission, allow me to prepare, text first.

2026: Fuck & Print

That's the year's theme. That's the blog.

Making an event

Back when blogging was the thing, I came across a cartoon that showed a man and a woman on a dinner date. One of them, in their thought bubble, said to the other: "I am mentally blogging you."

The behavior carries over to the present, even though blogging is no longer what it used to be. I attended a Justice concert in Osaka with a nagging thought that robbed me of a moment's total enjoyment: Nah, this won't look cool on Instagram.

But it's not technology to blame, neither the impulse to show of — share in real-time that removes us from real time. I suspect, at least in my case, that it's the proclivity for making an event out of small things.

Say this very act of blogging. A while ago (three paragraphs ago) blogging was the distraction. Now, something is distracting me from blogging. A topic popped in my head, but instead of going straight to the computer or grabbing pen and paper, I had to brew coffee first. Because who writes without coffee within reach?

Preparation becomes delay. My version of waiting for the perfect condition before taking action. How many ideas have I lost because I had to be in a certain headspace before jotting them down.

Am I contradicting my love for everyday elegance and the luxury of the slow? No. Dressing up, spending an hour or two savoring brunch with carefully chosen tableware — these are not events that I had to organize and manage. These are routine.

And that is what I need to remember. I need to turn personally valuable acts into habits. Like reading. From being a reader of books, I have devolved into someone who will eventually find the time and place with good lighting, temperature, and white noise to dive into a handsome paperback.

Old me simply read. An end in itself.

*

New chapter in 2023, post-pandemic: Being a senior high teacher is forcing me to be a reader again. I want my students to feel how I felt when I was going through my literature subjects' required readings: a combination of fun and suffering.

So I find myself in bookstores again, treasure-hunting.

Love how it fits and feels in my hand

It's great that publishers always reprint classics. I am happy to have cheaper — but still pretty (very important) — editions. Bought this one this afternoon for 49 pesos. You can be skeptical about the quality of translation and editing, but I appreciate its size so much and it did get me into rereading a piece of literature I've always wanted to revisit.

Let this entire book-buying blog-entry event be a symbol and a start of meaningful routines in reading, writing, and teaching.

Retail therapy

I've resorted to buying coffee drip packs and then bringing them to school, since it's way cheaper than buying brewed coffee at our posh canteen. From the few options available in the market, Key Coffee has become my go-to brand for the simple reason that their drip bags are easier to use.

A fews week back I was at the supermarket to replenish my supply and had every intention of buying Key Coffee. But while browsing through the shelf, I saw a UCC drip pack with a free coin purse made of used coffee sack. It seems to be the last pack with the freebie, so UCC won that day.

The said coin purse now serves as my Sunday-church purse. While I enjoy using it, something is missing. I want to turn it into a wristlet.

This morning I cried at work (not in public, and not cry cry), because I felt like no one had my back. People, professionals may sympathize, but the fight is my fight alone. Anyway it helped a bit that I vented out and was honest with those who matter. I would add that I ate my feelings but that is not true, it's more of I splurged on expensive lunch to drown out the nagging pain.

I couldn't go home just yet, I had to walk around, wander. So I wandered and stumbled upon a pop-up store and found the perfect wristlet to match my coffee sack Sunday coin purse! What makes it perfect is its golden brown hues and music-themed design. It is also the only one of its kind. Like my experience with the purse, I am happy to have been rid of analysis paralysis.

Two of my favorite things: Coffee and notation

My church purse

Ennio Morricone

The other night I binge-watched The 101 Scariest Horror Movie Moments of All Time, which made me nostalgic about the films I watched in college, which made me revisit Cinema Paradiso and its cathartic final scene.

Which led me to scouring my box of music sheets and books till I found my decade-old printout of Ennio Morricone compositions. His film scores and the Final Fantasy themes are what pushed me to take piano lessons.

The theme from Love Affair is an all-time fave. I already posted a practice video of this years ago. Last night I made a new recording.

While on the keyboard I realized that I did make so much progress in my playing. I read faster; I could somehow analyze what was going on; I behaved better towards mistakes; I understood what teachers meant when they said relax your wrists (I still wouldn't).

What I have produced is still far from what I hear in my head. Maybe on the next recording I'll finally get it right.

So we went from horror movies to playing a romantic piano piece. Let's go back to horror. Morricone is also responsible for the beautiful music in the horrific – up to you whether you want the word to signify something good or bad – Salo, or the 120 Days of Sodom. The main theme is composed by Franco Ansaldo. I haven't gotten my hands yet on the sheet music, but I would so love to learn it.

Fly and fumble in no particular order

It's either of the two, right? Either a lot or nothing has been going on in your life, that's why you're quiet on social media.

There may well be another option: a melange of obsessive compulsiveness, perfectionism, and self-consciousness paralyzes you from doing anything that fosters a deeper sense of satisfaction, ie blogging.

I'm pleased to report that great things have been happening offline despite the aforementioned paralysis being also true in my case. I've been busying myself with once-dreams: calling myself a teacher and an accompanist, and meaning it.

However, I'd like to talk a bit more about the fears that walk along every dream. Wisdom goes, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the ability to act despite fear. Courage is knowing that something is greater than your fear."

The past year has proven that I am courageous in my own way, and I have learned, through experience and by observing the actions of others, that one way to manage fear is preparedness. Prepare the hands, the mind, the heart. Practice, plan, remind yourself that you love her. Whether you fly or fumble, embrace yourself.

One of my post-pandemic goals is to engage with people face-to-face. The initiative has rewarded me with colleagues who rally for my success while fully understanding that I am a fallible creature. They acknowledge my mistakes without ever making me feel that said mistakes lessen my value. If you receive such graciousness, embrace it as well.

Pride for '25

Instead of resolutions, my friend Althea and I come up with a theme for the incoming year. It was her who introduced the concept to me around a decade ago. For 2025, I've decided on Pride.

I'm not coming out as gay or anything in the gender spectrum. But I believe my word choice is borne of the same 'coming out' spirit.

I want to take pride in my work. I know I do good but I keep it to myself. One reason is fear that others won't appreciate or at the very least understand my ideas. Either I'm a snob, insecure, or an insecure snob.

Pride is also the collective noun for lions. Leo-like characters are always welcome in my world, though I would like to focus on the aspect of community. I feel the fullest when I am with a group of writer-peers and educators. These are people whom I look up to as they look after me. We are equals even if I think they are better.

The past couple of years, I'm learning to admit that I cannot do everything alone. More importantly, that I do not want to be alone. Seems like the new year entails me reaching out, asking for help, seeking company, swallowing my pride.

Somewhere in disaster

there is freedom.

Both my Senior High teaching career and volunteer work as church choir accompanist have started this year. Since February, the weeks are being filled with live performances: in front of teenagers and parishioners.

During a speech delivery task, one of the students told me -- in what I believe as a solicitation of comfort -- "I'm scared." To which I replied, "Me, too." And that was no sweet attempt to assuage her. That was the truth.

I am scared of saying the wrong thing, of behaving inappropriately in class. I care about what these kids think of me and how they will remember me. I am scared of making mistakes, even if I preach that the classroom is the very space to make them.

My students think that I am an extrovert, but it feels good to explain to them that I love my job and perhaps I am good at it because of the controlled environment. I know the people I am dealing with. I have a plan.

Now what happens when your fears come true?

No answer on my end regarding unplanned pregnancies, losing a limb, and leaked sex videos. *Vigorously knocking on wood*

As for messing up on the piano at a beautiful Sunday service, here's an answer.

You might think that I'll be referring to a wrong note, or a bad chord. No, when I make musical mistakes, I make it big. That specific Sunday, I wanted to try a different baseline to a song we've been performing for a long time. But then I second-guessed myself. My fingers fumbled and massacred an entire section, or what felt like an entire page of music.

What happened after was not what I expected. The choir head just gave me an amused look. Like, WTF was that? Then the choir behind me simply went on with their business. No fuss. No one cared.

The next Sunday I was back at playing. I wasn't kicked out. My choir mates haven't lost their trust in me. The good news is neither did I lose trust in myself.

Teacher mode on. Moral of the story, our worst nighmares coming true could either discourage us or push us to do better. There's an alternative that I like, though. Our worst nightmares coming true can liberate us when we come out of it alive. The public piano disaster gave me permission to take all the risk I need in pursuit of creativity.

And I teach communication

I want to say something. Share all the happiness I'm feeling. But somehow it feels too intimate. Or maybe you won't be interested.

A part of me fears the reader will find themselves here, like I've betrayed their confidence. Even if it's joy they bring.

A part of me knows I won't let go of power. Boundaries are for crossing, but never shall they be crossed.

Why can't I just tell a story straight, not to you nor to friends in private.

An 8-Line Riddle

My one and only niece turns eight today and as part of her gift, I wrote her a riddle:

An 8-Line Riddle for Your 8th

I have no feet,
I have no wings,
But I can take you anywhere
If you stay within my four corners

No wheels, plug, engine
No batteries required
We will travel through time
If you open up your mind

To hear your voice and not

Today I am grateful for singing beside an experienced choir member. Our mentors always emphasize the value of producing one voice and this morning it clicked. When my choir-mate and I shifted vocal placements in the offertory song, I could hear us fade in unison, and it was so satisying. To do it repeatedly and better each time is why I get out of bed early on a Sunday morning.

One of the first choir practices I attended (November 2023)

Truth or Dare

My seven-year old niece has just learned to play Truth or Dare, which is a cool way of knowing what goes on in her mind.

She's been taught to be honest and not keep secrets, meaning I can ask her anything and she'll tell me the truth, no game nor any other incentive required. But putting such dialogue in the context of a game makes me less guilty of asking rather un-innocent questions.

Like, What do you say to me in your head whenever I don't allow you to touch my stuff (ie the Dalek figure in my book shelf)?

Nothing and everything is innocent when it comes to children.

Way before learning Truth or Dare, my niece and I talked about having babies, and I nonchalantly told her that I didn't want one. Recently, while strolling at the mall, she nonchalantly, randomly — as is her way — asked me, But why don't you want to have a daughter? My answer was a different version of the same thing: I like my 'me time'.

I love my niece, though I get scared when she knocks on my door and I had to turn her away because I would rather be alone.

There are many articles about people in their dying days regretting not spending enough time with their loved ones. I fear having the same regret, and that every No and Not now that I tell my niece will make her feel less loved. I also fear resenting her for taking up much of my time and energy that it becomes too late and I become too tired to do anything for myself.

Poem 24

December

December walks in
its worn shoes, towards church doors
that open before
dawn, welcomed by the district
choir, brightening old hymns.

—Razel Estrella

Poem 23

Talking to a stranger

She was lightning, quiet
quick, electric. The cunning
smile I practised
for years, she flashed
at me and with laughter cut

the distance
between a child missing
her two front teeth
and a lady who never knew
the harm in talking

to a stranger. Dried under
her nails were dirt
from sandcastles she built
and toyed with, loved
and ruined.

—Razel Estrella

Poem 22

Shop

I walked into the shop
to buy a purse that fits
ten folded bills and coins
for the quick trip to church

and back. After combing
all the shelves to find none
that I liked, you walked in
plucking bottles like flowers

that soon laid on the register.
I watched you go back
to friends; stood frozen
on the aisle, unable to solicit

a name or muster a hi; left
with nothing in my basket,
in my hand: not what I wanted,
not what I found.

—Razel Estrella

Poem 21

Waiting is what happens

when you tick every box on the list
but the ones outside the page;

when mixing flour and water is chore
and dough takes a while to bake;

the dream car on a wrong turn,
you carry on with the chase;

a table full of feast and cheers
it disappears like a sick child's appetite;

Waiting arrives as soon as you catch light,
and instead of star, hold stone in your hand.

—Razel Estrella

Poetry prompt: Write in another's rhymes

Jack Tells Jill

Kill your thoughts up the hill,
see the empty skies, saltwater.
Drown in rapture at the crown,
sing new songs of ever-after.

Upbeat air inspires a trot,
tempts you to a flirty caper.
Bedtime? It's out of your head,
now as pure as blank paper.

—RE, 13 August 2023

This week's poetry prompt: Rather obvious? It's fun, though. To take the rhymes off a popular poem and then use them to create a different poem. Give it a go.

Draft 2 (5 October 2023)

Well it's been a while. The main prompt was a quick exercise on replacing rhyming words. For the revision, my goal was to create something a bit more conrete. Add sense to the sound. Also, I got rid of the lines I hated ("drown in rapture" ; "sing new songs of ever-after" ; "as pure as blank paper") but used just to meet the requirements and deadline.

Jack Tells Jill

Kill those doubts up the hill,
see the empty skies, saltwater.
Winds will push you down,
     Push back till you reach the crown,
Crack a world open with laughter.

Should those sunburnt legs fail to trot
And fumble like your brother's,
Lie a while on the green land
     As if it were last night's bed.
Rise up with fellow dreamers.

—RE October 2023

Poem 20 (Poetry prompt: Thematic unity)

The second poem that I'm writing for my online poetry course will be workshopped. This post will document the evolution of the poem from its first to its final draft.

Disclosure: What you see below, which is what I have also submitted, is not exactly the first draft. What constitutes a first draft anyway?

To give you an idea, this poem had undergone a major revision in prosody pre-submission. It went from having paragraph-like stanzas (lines grouped per image or idea), to this now musically focused line-cutting.

Draft 1

Flames

Write your name on top
of your beloved's,
strike the common letters,

count the odd ones out,
and you're left with a number
that tells your future

together or apart.
Matthew and Anna
were meant to be

Enemies. So I tweaked the rules,
wrote full names and nicknames,
till the game declared

Marriage. Twenty years
since high school I lay in bed
alone, playing

with my phone:
Swipe left for the Oh-Nos,
Swipe right for the Why-Nots.

How to outsmart the algorithm
to make it make matches
that catch a flame?

I may not win again or ever,
but I carry on dreaming
new ways of miscalculating fate.

—RE, 2 August 2023

Update (30 September 2023):

I am pretty happy with the draft and so I am labelling this as Poem 20. In fact I kind of knew that I won't budge on this one as soon as I hit submit. Like I said in the intro, this has already undergone several revisions.

I will be editing this poem draft instead for the poetry course. It's a fun verse to write, but lame. Will do my best to un-lame it.